This article was originally published on Kueez
We’ve all been there. You return from your local Swedish flat-pack furniture store and unpack your new wardrobe. But when you lay all the parts out on the floor, you're left scratching your head. When you finally give in and consult the instructions, you may think you need a doctorate in physics to make sense of them. But don’t worry, it’s not your fault. Most instruction manuals, assembly diagrams, how-to guides, and step-by-step tutorials are more of a hindrance than a help. Here are the absolute funniest ones!
A Rose By Any Other Name
How on earth do you draw a rose? Well, in a taste of what's to come, this Tumblr user gave a step-by-step instruction guide. You start by drawing a lettuce, then color it red.
But what if you want to draw a lettuce? Simple! You just draw a rose and color it green. Now, why didn't we think of that?
Wine Not Assemble A Bookcase?
After a weekend trip to that famous Swedish furniture store, you buy a piece of flat-pack, self-assembly furniture only to find the instructions baffling and a missing screw.
Well, with this piece of furniture, you're in luck! All you need to do to assemble this bookcase is drink three glasses of wine, and––as if by magic––the bookcase assembles itself
How To Stay Stress-Free
If you want to stay stress-free, you could take advice from actress, talk show host, TV producer, author, and philanthropist Oprah Winfrey. As one cheeky Twitter user replied, it's a lot easier if you have a billion dollars.
But Oprah doesn't have a billion dollars. She has 2.7 billion dollars. So, at least we now understand how she can afford to say, "You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!"
How To Draw A Tree
While some of the missing steps on our list can be frustrating, this drawing comes with a little self-aware humor and might even raise a chuckle or two. As the saying goes: "From little acorns, mighty oaks grow", but that seed sure doesn't look like an acorn.
From the looks of things, the artist has somehow managed to turn a cashew nut or a fava bean into a solid, sturdy tree. Now that's impressive.
Online Tutorials Be Like
So, you want to become an expert in your field. Perhaps master photography or illustration? Great! Simply watch this YouTube video to miss out on vital stages in creating killer imagery like the professionals. And this four-stage illustration perfectly sums up the problem.
But it's not limited to Photoshop; it's every step-by-step tutorial out there. It's almost as if the professionals don't want to share their secrets, right?
How To Draw Australia
As Homer Simpson would say, this entry is "funny because it's true." Whoever noticed that Australia resembles an elderly lioness and a one-eared lynx puking deserves a Pulitzer Prize as far as we're concerend.
That said, the inhabitants of Tasmania––that's the island the one-eared lynx is puking––might think differently! Luckily, there are no dangerous animals like lions or lynx in Australia; the crocodiles, sharks, giant snakes, and spiders ate them all.
The Secret To A Long And Happy Life
For centuries, humankind has sought immortality. Intrepid Spanish conquistadors searched for the Fountain of Youth in the Americas. Indiana Jones drank from the Cup of the Holy Grail. Yes, Indiana Jones is immortal; you forgot about that, didn't you?
But now, ladies and gentlemen, we can finally reveal the secret to living to 100 years old. All you have to do is live to 99 and not get knocked down by a bus.
How To Retire Before Reaching 40
We've all seen stories like these every now and again. The photograph accompanying this article on how to retire at 38 sure looks enticing, but how did lovely Hester and her husband retire before life even begins at 40? Well, read on.
It certainly helps if you're both bringing home six-figure salaries. But where do those millions of travel points feature? Are they suggesting that, instead of buying a house, you cash in your Air Miles and sleep on long-haul red-eye flights?
Which Came First, The Bird Or The Egg?
This is one of our favorites. Not only because of the vagueness of the wording and the usual missing steps but because this entry comes from a schoolbook for five-year-olds, believe it or not!
Even as an adult, we'd all be like, "Okay, step 1––draw an egg––done! Step 2––draw a bigger egg––Yup! Step 3––draw a fan–-Uh-huh. Step 4––draw a big M––got it! Step 5––what the hell!!!
Now This Is Simple Common Sense
This jar of chewable tablets came with some excellent advice for life. "If overweight, lose weight" Like, yeah––gee, thanks. Then, near that is the advice to "Quit Smoking" as if you'd overcome both these hurdles in the next ten minutes.
Seriously, though––we wonder what the shelf life of these tablets is. How long are they giving you to lose weight and give up smoking? By the time most people have achieved these two obstacles, they'd be too frail to open the safety cap, and the pills would have gone bad.
How Old Is A Tree?
We all know how to determine the age of a tree, right? And no, we don't mean asking the tree its age. Instead, we mean counting the rings––one circle for each year. Well, it turns out, scientists have been doing it wrong all these years.
The actual way to determine the age of a tree is to know what year it was planted as a seed. Who knew studying nature could be so easy?!
How To Use Chopsticks
There are two types of people in the world; those who can use chopsticks and those who can't. This chopstick manufacturer has a special, ironic message for the latter group.
It's almost as if the chopstick maker is saying, 'Hey, we did our part and made the damned things; the rest is up to you. You're on your own, kiddo!' Besides, one billion people in China can't be wrong.
Hey, Teacher, Leave Those Kids Alone!
A 2012 anti-bullying report from Essex Country Council in England found that teachers advised schoolchildren who were being bullied because of their sexuality to act "less gay." Great advice, thanks, Sir!
C'mon, teachers! This is the 21st Century. Although their only crime was being insensitive and pretty old-fashioned, Essex County Council clearly needs more training on these matters.
Hula Hoop Owl
Staying in the United Kingdom now, the first piece of information you need is that Hula Hoops are a type of delicious potato chips. They're shaped in a tiny, finger-sized hoop, so they make excellent makeshift wedding rings for single people.
Now you're all up to speed; this person tried to emulate the owl by dropping two Hula Hoops into their coffee with hilarious results. But, of course, he or she would definitely have eaten the salty snack as those Brits love dunking anything into tea or coffee!
The Blind Leading The Blind
This entry is priceless as it really is a case of the blind leading the blind. Step 1––for this installation, you will need a pair of kitchen scissors, a screwdriver, a pair of tweezers, and some pliers.
Et Voila! Job done! While the instructions are probably the most useless thing we've encountered so far, in fairness, they have provided a video tutorial. We can't wait to see how useless that is, too!
Create Your Own Start-Up
Got a great idea? Cool. Creating your own start-up company is easy. Just ask Nick Woodman and his wife, who created GoPro cameras. All you need is a niche concept, $30,000, a campervan, and a little something extra.
Many articles like this try to paint entrepreneurs as heroic underdogs but read between the lines, and the privilege and entitlement of assuming everyone has a wealthy family they can turn to when they need a quarter of a million bucks comes shining through!
Carving a Bear Into A Tree
How to carve a Winnie the Pooh into a tree in four easy steps. Step 1––Chop down your perfect tree and draw your bear. Step 2––Start carving. Step 3.––Start cutting your wood. Step 4––Show your friends and all the woodland animals!
Forget the fact that you'll need your own workshop, tools, a freakin' tree, and most likely half a decade of practice; carving your own bear into a tree is as easy as falling off a log.
Useless Google Dictionary
Online dictionaries do a pretty good job, but every once in a while, they raise more questions than they answer. A case in point is this entry for the word 'heuristic'. This explanation is close enough, isn't it?
This one could actually be a meta-joke on Google's part since heuristic refers to: "any approach to problem solving or self-discovery that employs a practical method that is not guaranteed to be optimal, perfect, or rational but is nevertheless sufficient for reaching an immediate, short-term goal or approximation."
This IKEA Manual Tells You To Throw Out One Of The Parts
This is another of our favorites. This IKEA instruction manual tells you to throw one of the parts in the trash. So it has to be a joke, right? Or is the part only meant to be used to help build the furniture and then discarded? Who knows!
It reminds us of an old website that hilariously generated random recipes. For example, one famous recipe read: "Step 2––boil the potatoes Step 3––discard the potatoes." We wonder how many people actually did it!
How To Draw A Racoon In A Party Hat
This four-stage tutorial from a young Bill Hicks couldn't be more straightforward. The beardless Bob Ross imposter begins by drawing an almighty circle, then adds a little hair before giving him a little birthday treat. So. Many. Questions.
Where did he get the raccoon life model? How did he make it stand still long enough to get the hat on the raccoon without it tearing his limbs off? But perhaps most importantly, how did he know it was the raccoon's birthday?
How To Meditate In Four Easy Steps
The journey to enlightenment through meditation is difficult and takes years of practice for even the most zen beings to master. But not if you follow this easy, four-step illustration!
All you have to do is sit comfortably, feel the air, feel your skin, and––abracadabra––you are an enlightened being who is at one with the universe. Although, in fairness, it does say it's a simple guide to meditation!
The Bridal Updo
You're two hours late for your wedding as you were out drinking Prosecco until 5 am at your bachelorette party. You've squeezed into your dress, found something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue, but what about your hair? Arrrghh!
Don't worry; this simple tutorial will show your hungover bridesmaids how to weave a bridal updo in next to no time so you can walk up the aisle…. If there weren't about twelve missing stages!
It's The Thought That Counts
We're all for recycling and––just like the Ugly Duckling––this paper soap bar wrapper quickly and easily transforms into a beautiful swan. if you have a black belt in origami, that is!
We're presuming that, despite the writing being in English, the soap must come from a country where the ancient art of origami is taught in kindergarten.
My Little Pony; Skeletal and Bony
Yet again, the instruction leaflet for this "lovely decoration" miss out about seventeen steps. There's nothing on how to construct the horse skeleton. Zero on how to mold the clay, and nada on how to paint the magical flying beast.
We're can only assume the back of the leaflet says: "Hire a local sculptor and artist to help you, then wait for the funfair to visit your town to purchase the cotton candy for the tail and mane." It looks like Skeletor turned into She-Ra’s flying unicorn, Swift Wind!
The Best Things Come To Those Who Wait
This person was so impressed by one pizza; they immediately wanted the recipe. So, they jumped online to ask the pizza baker for the recipe, probably believing that––after a trip to the store––they would have their own lovely pizza in 45 minutes. Amateur!
The pizza baker suggested the hungry fellow take up a new hobby making their own sourdough. It would only take them "a couple of years" to master!
How To Draw A House
If you need some help drawing a house, just follow this quick and easy tutorial. In four steps, you'll soon have a wonderful…. Wait, what? What the hell is going on here?
Firstly, what on earth is going on with the squiggles in Step 1? And what relevance do the squiggles have to Step 4? Clearly, the tutorial neglects to mention you need four years at Art School to draw anything this good.
Dave Ramsey's Seven Baby Steps To Fortune
Here's one of those delusional personal development guides. Since Step 1 would take most people months and months, it's unlikely you'll ever make it to Step 2––Pay off all debt. That's the one that had us all rolling around on the office floor.
It's just another example of entitled and delusional thinking. We have some advice for you, entitled advice-giver; why don't you shove your Seven Baby Steps where the sun don't shine? Sideways.
And That, Is How A Planet Is Born
"Stuff happens" is just about the laziest, most hilarious stage in any step-by-step guide. For starters, it completely misses out the fact that it takes billions of years for a planet to form.
The tutorial doesn't even explain the Protoplanet Hypothesis, whereby gravity sticks small objects to each other, which grow into planets, nor does it mention the "late heavy bombardment" when these small bodies were pelted by and assimilated larger objects.
The Millionaire Process
Becoming a millionaire is easy because money grows on trees, don't you know? Once again, a delusional entrepreneur generously passes down their money-making tips while ignoring the reality that most of us will only ever see a million dollars in movies or on the TV.
We can't all be one of the most talented boxers of all time like Floyd Mayweather. The only chance most of us will have to lay a million dollars out on a table like Breaking Bad's Walter White is by setting up a crystal meth lab!
Works Like A Charm
While 99% of us will never be millionaires, we can console ourselves with living life vicariously through a games console. And this pop-up hint from Assassin's Creed Odyssey shows us exactly how to achieve this.
When playing the live-action role-playing video game, the best strategy for defeating enemies––it turns out––is to reduce their strength to zero while maintaining your own health above zero. Who'd have known? Gee, thanks for the tip, Ubisoft!
How To Stop Slouching
Have you ever wondered how to stop slouching? Well, if you're Natasha Romanov, a.k.a. Marvel's Black Widow, you need to break your dad Red Guardian out of a maximum-security jail and reunite with your mother on her pig farm. Then, your mom will soon tell you to stop slouching.
For the rest of us, stopping slouching is as easy as feeling less depressed! Unfortunately, the article fails to mention how to achieve this significant feat, but we recommend your first step is seeing a therapist for at least six months!
Easy To Follow Instructions
You know how it is; you've got to make this thing, so you consult the instructions to see just how easy it is to make the aforementioned thing. Piece of cake, right?
All you need to do is take two things and put them together to make four things. The next step in this fool-proof process is to make the thing. What could be simpler?
If I Can Do It, Anybody Can
Here's another example of those annoying money-saving lessons. Simply move from Washington DC to a small town in Illinois. Then, get your parents to gift you a condo as a wedding gift. Next, move in with your unsuspecting grandparents. They'll be only too glad to clean up after yet another set of offspring!
Then rent your condo out and don't pay Grandma and Grandpa any rent. "If I can be a sponging freeloader who relies on the elderly and infirm to look after me, then be hailed as a hero, anybody can!"
Half-Baked Gingerbread House
Everybody loves a gingerbread house at Christmas, especially Hansel and Gretel, who famously followed a trail of breadcrumbs to get to their tasty edible abode in the forest.
But this step-by-step guide gives you no breadcrumbs to follow. Just an A to B, and you're expected to find your own way to the gingerbread house. But, ah, wait a minute, if you look at the very bottom right-hand corner, there are your instructions: "Add candy."
Advice For Life
If you're in a bad place, disappearing for six months is easy. First, just use one of your many passports like Jason Bourne. Next, learn a profitable skill, LIKE LEARNING TO SPELL "DISAPPEAR" CORRECTLY. Then, people might take your silly advice more seriously. 113K Likes. What a joker!
Then start a profitable business, get to $10,000 a month in next to no time, get in incredible shape! And thank him later. It's as easy as A, B, 4.
How Do I Ask A Question?
They say there's no such thing as a stupid question, but they also say there's an exception to every rule. So, when Mary asked a question, some bright spark soon popped up to offer Mary some sound and sage advice.
In the online equivalent of a slap in the face with a wet fish, this fella pointed out that Mary had already answered her own question. Priceless.
Want To Live Rent-Free?
Errr, yeah - Durr. Of course, we do; what a dumb question! Just show us what how and we're on it like Donkey Kong. Thanks, you fine masters of finance! All I've got to do is… what? Buy a triplex house? How much are they? Well over a million dollars.
Oh yes, silly us. We forgot that you live in cloud cuckoo land where houses are made of gingerbread and unicorns graze from your front lawn. We suppose we could always ask our parents to buy us a triplex house.
Draw A Basic Human Face
At least this guide on how to draw a basic human face got one thing right. Until the last stage, she looks as basic as a crash test dummy. But it's the missing stages that make this so delicious.
Steps 7 through 11 all look pretty much the same, and then… Ta-Da! Add hair and shading, then run as fast as you can because she looks like Invasion of the Bodysnatchers imitating a human.
When Are Seven Weeks Not Seven Weeks?
Speaking of imitating humans, for this entry, we can't tell if Google's algorithms have gone haywire or if this is an Artificial Intelligence machine trying to be funny like a human.
Google has a plethora of "funny" web pages like this. For example, ask Alexa the Monty Python joke: "What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Or Princess Leia's line: "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" And see what she says.
How To Create A Digital Holographic Skirt
Have you ever wanted to create a digital holographic skirt? Well, you're in luck! With our handy new digital holographic skirt step-by-step guide, you'll be cranking out holographic dresses in minutes. Draw the outline of a skirt; any shabby old style will do. Next, color it all one nasty shade of blue in one block.
Don't worry about how the light catches the folds. We'll teach you how to do that in a mi… Hello? Hello? Where did you go? Why have you left with this horrible blocky blue dress?
Dominate The Graug
Need help riding a Graug when playing Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor? Well, here's some friendly advice from the game's makers:
Everybody knows the easiest way to ride a Graug is by stunning them with an arrow to the head, then repeatedly slicing at their legs. When it's time to dodge one of their blows, you'll get a button prompt, and––if you pay––you'll soon find they are easy to dominate.
Leonardo Da Vinci's Sketchbook
This drawing tutorial for children leaves a lot to the imagination. Okay, the first image of the flowers might be achievable, and the guide does demonstrate that even highly detailed sketches begin with simple shapes, but come on guys!
You'd need to be Leonardo or Michelangelo or one of the other Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to be this good at sketching. Now, where’s that sewer pizza we ordered?
The Three Rings Magic Trick
Everybody loves magic tricks, but once you've seen the trick performed once, sometimes the magic is lost. As novelist Terry Pratchett once said, "Ninety percent of most magic merely consists of knowing one extra fact."
But when it comes to finding out that one extra fact, most magicians never give away their tricks. Unfortunately, the same can be said for this three rings trick manufacturer, who seemingly want everyone to remain baffled, even when they have the solution!
Foldable Waterproof Jacket
This handy waterproof jacket will keep you dry during rain showers, then easily folds up so you can pop it… Wait a minute! How on earth do I get from stage one to stage two? It may be waterproof, but it’s not foolproof.
Hailing from Greenland, the local Inuit people would call it an anorak. In France, it would be known as a cagoule, but these instructions are all Greek to us!
Becoming A Millionaire 101
Here's another fantastic delusional piece of pretentious self-help personal development nonsense with this handy four-stage plan to becoming a billionaire by the age of 40. Ready?
Invest in yourself. By what––covering yourself in free mud? Then save to invest. Your local bank will offer generous interest rates of 1.75%. Next, go for ten billion dollars, because... hell, why not? You're worth it! Finally, write down your goals. This fourth vital step is essential to becoming a billionaire, and if you think Step 4 should be Step 1, you're wrong. This financial wizard knows what they're talking about. Now heed their advice and go forth and prosper!